Zombieland

Zombieland
Running Time: 93 minutes
Released: October 2009
Viewed: March 2010
Estimated amounted of movie viewed: 75%

Zombieland is a movie about zombies. But what's confusing and what makes me wonder why I would want to watch it really at all after the first five minutes is that the zombies have already wiped out the entire town, save for Woody from Cheers and a guy who is not Michael Cera.

After the first 10 minutes, I ask aloud, "Where is this movie going? Everyone is already a zombie! What on earth could the plotline actually be from here?"

The answer? "Killing zombies in interesting and novel ways." My friends say this, without taking their eyes off the screen, as if I were retarded.

Okay. I'll bite.

After a Metallica song, followed by a Chuck Mangione tune, the zombie slaughter turns gruesome. The zombies spew innards outwards. Puss-faced people spit up brains and guts, or what looks like chocolate-sauced spaghetti. Zombies with oozing, putrid skin and hair matted with body fluid charge at any non-zombie humans still roaming the vicinity, although they are few and far between. This is not the kind of movie you want to watch while noshing ooey gooey treats. It's hard to to keep my eyes on the screen, but even harder to doze off.

I may have not seen a ton of zombie movies in my days, but one thing I know for sure is that the undead are slow, both figuratively and literally. They're dumb, and even I — the slowest mammal on the planet — could outrun one. But in Zombieland, they know how to truck! Zombies move through the streets like they are the offspring of Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Usain Bolt.

Moving on...

Little Miss Sunshine (here she is slightly older and into her awkward tween years), and a dark haired girl who will later become Not-Michael Cera's love interest, bait Woody from Cheers and N-M. C. and steal their guns and car.

There is some mention of rednecks, but nothing that I'd classify as a joke. It's more like references. Redneck references. Nods to rednecks. This, I do not understand.

Eventually, the two groups (Little Miss Sunshine and the love interest, and Woody and N.-M. C.) team up formulate a plan for what they will do now that they live in a world overrun with zombies: They will drive through the night to California, where they will go to Wally World or Disneyland or Adventureland... something like that. And in order to get some shut eye 'til then, they hijack Bill Murray's house in Beverly Hills.

I'm sorry. Two problems:

1) Why do they assume Bill Murray's house is empty, or at the very least, not rigged with an elaborate alarm system that will deafen them if they try to break in? Or just locked?!?! Worst of all, what if he's home?!?!?

2) I watched No Reservations like two weeks ago, when Bill Murray was a guest on the show, and the episode was about the Hudson Valley, where he lives! He doesn't live in Beverly Hills!

Well, the first problem as I see it turns out to be a valid concern. Team "Escape Zombies by Ransacking Bill Murray's House" find Murray hiding in his house and wearing costume makeup to try and look like a zombie. Camouflage: a unique zombie-combat tactic. Well done.

But after a few unfortunate turns, Bill gets killed. At least his death scene is pretty hilarious.

At this point, there haven't been any legit zombies on screen in like 20 minutes. The gore has been replaced with flirting, bonding, and sharing. Is this the movie I agreed to watch? Given the Bill Murray cameo is squarely over, I pull up a pillow, toss my glasses to the side, and wave good night, making a conscious choice to go to sleep for once.

As far as I know, no one ever makes it to the amusement park. The two kids never hook up. Everyone lives happily ever after, safe from zombies, in Bill Murray's fake Hollywood house.